I didn't know where else to post this.
Right, I need suggestions.
For the past two months I've been in a relationship with a pretty cool lady.
Thing is there are a lot of things that concern me and I'm not sure what my next step should be.
First, she seems so much more into me than I am into her. I just... I don't feel chemistry. I don't feel a connection, like at all. I feel nothing that makes me want to spend time with her.
Second, I work, a lot. I just started a new job at the hospital and I just simply don't have time for a relationship right now. I am married to my job, working a ton of overtime and picking up sixteen hour work shifts. It's not fair to her to be in a relationship where I might be able to text her once or twice a day then run off to work all night. Our schedules conflict. I'm a third shift worker, she's a day person. It just doesn't work out at all when her usual bedtime is like ten o'clock, which is when I'm usually getting up and ready for work.
Third, finance. Dating is expensive. And while I am picking up a lot of hours, I also have a lot of expenses. I'm currently trying to save up for a better vehicle, plus my rent went up. And she does not have a job not really. See, she has schizophrenia which brings me to point four.
The schizophrenia. It... it irks me. I honestly am open and willing here, but the more I think about it I realize, I just can't handle it. At work a part of my job is watching psych patients on 72 hour holds. And we've been getting a ton of them lately. And the things she's been saying? Like how she's usually in the hospital at least a couple times a year? I just sit there, seeing family, or the person all alone.. Just... It's the lowest I've ever seen a human being go. The more time I spend the more I realize that I just can't do it. It's not me hating the disorder. I just don't think I am emotionally equipped to deal with it. She's got a cocktail of issues, she's mentioned the schizophrenia, but also anorexia at some point, bi-polar disorder, OCD, and a mix of other things like depression. If I'm married to her job, she's married to her mental health. Constant therapy and groups. She can't hold a job and I don't see a workable future.
She loves me. I know this. This isn't my ego here. She says I'm the best thing to happen to her in a long time, that I'm this knight in shining armor or some ****. While this is all heartwarming and amazing to have someone say to you, I get a pit in my stomach because I've been wondering what to do for the past month. I need to break this off, and soon, before she even gets more attached. Whenever we're together I just find myself stiff and just... I'm not relaxed. I feel like I need to be on guard.
I need to end this.
I'm scared though. I'm scared that when I do break up with her that something will happen. She'll have an episode, or something worse.
What do I do? I'm too chicken for this **** guys.