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[Other Original] The Truth About Fictional Worlds

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
This story is one I've been working on for a long time. What I am posting is actually the second version of the original one (which I felt was progressing too slowly, but if you want to read that one, PM me). I tend to shorten its name to "TTAFW" when I talk about it, so from here on out, that'll be what I'll call it. Keep in mind that while I labeled the thread as "Other Original," and while it may be mostly about Pokémon, not all of it is about Pokémon. There will be times when the only thing Pokémon-related in a situation will be the character(s), and every once in a while, there won't be anything Pokémon-related going on at all.

Plot:

TTAFW follows the Pokémon journey of a 15-year-old named "Timothy Stevens." 17 months before beginning this journey, he discovered the Nintendo Worlds to be real, and, during those 17 months, trained with Mario and Luigi to gain combat abilities similar to theirs. He defeats Mario in a Smash Bros.-esque tournament (becoming the champion), and, a day later, is forced into the Pokemon World. He travels with a few people who happen to be Pokémon anime stars through Unova, and then through another region with only one person out of the group coming with him, all while dealing with an inner emotional struggle.

Credit where credit is due:

Before I continue, I'd like to give some well-deserved credit. First, it is my belief that I have God to thank for any writing gift I may or may not have. Second, my family and a friend of mine have all been highly supportive during the whole process, both before restarting the story and after. Third, while the ideas for the plot and such usually have come from me, I obviously have Nintendo to thank for creating what they've created in the first place, as well as the various organizations and people that created the non-Nintendo worlds that will appear.

Disclaimer:

TTAFW will generally be G-rated. This leans toward PG (sometimes PG-13) with certain violent scenes. Anything sexually-based will likely not get worse than the typical Christmastime Hallmark movie.

The Story:

Prologue:
Spoiler:


Chapter 1: A Whole New World
Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 2 is done!

Chapter 2: Centers of Interest
Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 3 is finished!
Chapter 3: Getting Started
Spoiler:
 
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ShivaDF

The Scooter-riding Artist
482
Posts
14
Years
  • Seen Aug 25, 2017
I don't usually read crossovers, but this story seems to be going along well so far. If you include lots of references it could be quite fun. Unfortunately, I don't have a connection to the Mario series, so I can't judge that.

I can talk about the formatting and narrative, though. I see two problems with your writing: one, there doesn't seem to be enough description. On the one hand, readers who know these fanatsy lands will know what they look like. But even if your protagonist is a hardcore gamer, I swear he would still be shocked by seeing these places in real life! It needs more descriptions! Since this story begins after the protagonist has already been in Mushroom World, you can reflect on how cool it is as much as you want.

The second thing I noticed was that your dialogue isn't tagged as well as it could be. For example, in chapter two:

Cilan gave it a name. "It's called a 'Pokémon Center,' and there are many just like it."
You don't need to say that Cilan gave it a name because he gives it a name in the dialogue. Normal tags are usually the best, because the readers can, well, read. This does not apply when the tags show information the reader couldn't have otherwise known, though.
For instance, you wouldn't say:
"I love you," he said lovingly.
But you could say:
"I love you," he said threateningly.
Aside from those two things, I have one plot question. These are about the Nintendo fictional worlds, so why does he end up in the pokémon anime and not the games.

Anyway, keep on writing!
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
I see two problems with your writing: one, there doesn't seem to be enough description. On the one hand, readers who know these fanatsy lands will know what they look like. But even if your protagonist is a hardcore gamer, I swear he would still be shocked by seeing these places in real life! It needs more descriptions! Since this story begins after the protagonist has already been in Mushroom World, you can reflect on how cool it is as much as you want.

It's funny you say that, since someone on a different forum says I give too much description. I think you're right, though. I spent a lot of time describing the characters and the Pokemon, yet not enough time on the environment they're in. Even though there really isn't much to Nuvema Town, I can see how that might be a bit bland. As for Timothy's not-so-impressed reaction to the Pokemon World, a point that I was planning on making later is that he's become hard to impress, yet he's warmed up to the world much faster than anything else.

You don't need to say that Cilan gave it a name because he gives it a name in the dialogue.

I think I was trying to emphasize Cilan's knowledge of Pokemon, though in hind sight, that is redundant. I'll go ahead and fix that.

Aside from those two things, I have one plot question. These are about the Nintendo fictional worlds, so why does he end up in the pokémon anime and not the games.

I won't say too much since there are spoilers involved, but basically, the overall layout of how the battles work, what characters are introduced, and so on, all prove that the anime is more accurate than the games. This also will be mentioned specifically later on in TTAFW.
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 4 is done! Sorry for the wait, been a bit busy lately.
Chapter 4: The Journey Begins
Spoiler:



After you've read it, and only after you've read it, please read this:
WARNING! SPOILERS!
Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 5 is done!
Chapter 5: Road to Accumula Town
Spoiler:
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 6 is done! (Sorry for the wait)
Chapter 6: Cornered
Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 7 - A Chance Encounter
Spoiler:
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Happy New Year!

Chapter 8: The First Gym Battle

Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
At last, I can finally introduce a character I've been dying to put in (hence why it didn't take nearly as long to complete this time around). You'll have to read to find out who it is!

Chapter 9: A New Friend:

Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 10: Tail of Training:

Spoiler:


Big thing to note: the prologue has received a major overhaul -- cuts down the Word page length by roughly four pages, and improves on stylistic issues. Chapter 1 got similar changes; 2-5 will as well, though I'm focusing on 11 right now.

Oh and, due to a mathematical error (long story), the new prologue shows Timothy's actual current age - 15.
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 11: Melee in Striaton City:

Spoiler:
 
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Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 12: Taking Care, Part I:

Spoiler:


Part II should hopefully be coming soon. It's getting close to being done as it is.
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 12: Taking Care, Part II:

Spoiler:
 

Goombario64

Master of Galaxies
31
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 13: The Experiment

Spoiler:
 
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