[Other Fanfic] Super Heroes

[FlameChrome]

Chapter 1: New Heroes​

Before I begin this story let me tell you a few things. My name is Mike, but now everyone calls me Flame. I have super powers. They are super speed, super strength, I also and fire and ice powers. My partner is Britney, but everyone now calls her Sword Girl, but I call her my girlfriend. So let's start this story.
I was in school when this strange person walked into the classroom. It was a `scientist, he wanted all of us to go out into the hall one person at a time. So we each did and when I went into the hallway I found out that it was a test to see if anyone had powers. When I got tested it was a positive for me. I was really surprised when that happened.
I had no more school for a while, But I didn't know what powers I had or why they were taking me and to. Once I got there it was amazing. They took me to the one and only Tony Stark.
"Tony it's a pleasure to meet you."I blurted out.
"I'm sure it is, you can go scientists."Tony said.
The scientists left and so it was me and Tony. I'm a bit surprised of me in the same building as Tony.
"What is your name kid?"Tony asked me
"Mike Skull."I replied.
"Hi Mike, you will have super powers you just have to unlock them."Tony said.
Then a girl walks into the room, looks like she's about my age. She looks nice.
"I see that Britney is in here."Tony said.
"Hi guys what's going on?"She asked us.
"A kid is going to get powers."Tony answered.
"Maybe we can team up when he gets his powers."She replied.
I was amazed when she said that, in one day I found out that I'm getting powers then I will have a team mate.
"Hey do you want to know what your powers will be?" Tony asked me as Britney walked out of the room.
"Sure."I answered.
"You will get super speed, super strength, ice and fire powers."Tony replied.
"Whoa, how do I gain my powers?"I ask.
"Just wait, and in time you will."Tony answered.
"What I don't get it right now, aw man."I said
"You will soon but I can train you to fight, with some help of course."Tony announced.
"Who is the help?"I asked.
"Sonic, Flash, and Superman."Tony replied.
"Whoa, when will they be here?"I asked.
"Now."Tony answered.
Then out of nowhere sonic, The Flash, and Superman appeared. They were looking awesome, I wish I could join them. But I was happy right now being in their presence.
"Hey kiddo, ready to be a hero?"Superman asked me.
"Yeah I am!"I blurted out loudly with excitement.
"Calm down we are just here to train you."Sonic announced.
There was silence for about 2 minutes. I couldn't say anything because I was too excited to say anything. I mean come on, who wouldn't get excited about super heroes right in front of you and you're getting powers of your own.
"Well let's start training."Flash said.
"I think he has had a busy day, go to bed Mike, Britney show him to his room."Tony said.
So she led me to my room, I saw the bed and I lay in the bed, and I passed out. In the morning I heard voices, sounded like Tony and his computer, Jarvis.
"Hey Tony, what's wrong?"I asked.
"We got an emergency call, I will be right back."Tony answered.
"But wait, what about my training?"I asked.
"We will when I get back."Tony replied going out the door in his suit.
So I decided to train, I went to the track and ran it, pushing myself. Then I did a lap in 4 seconds. Must be my super speed power, I keep running and I keep doing 4 second laps. Then my watch lights up with a red screen. Then it says Tony and other heroes captured. Britney walks into the room.
"Ready to save the heroes?"She asked me.
"Let's go."I replied.
We left Tony's home and went to where the enemy is.
"Surrender enemy and prepare to fight!"Britney said.
"Lets see if you can defeat me."The enemy said.
"We will."Britney said.
She brought out the things that was on her back which is swords, cool. I don't know how to fight, I just know about my super speed. Maybe I can trip them up.
"What powers have you unlocked?"Britney asked me.
"Super speed."I replied.
"We can use that, I will take care of robots and you take c are of hentchmen."She told me.
"I do have brains, I got this."I replied.
She started slicing robots in half, then I saw ropes. I thought I could tie up the men. So I did just that, I tied up all men in one minute. Once I was done Britney was done.
"Nice work, you should have knocked them out though."She said.
"I haven't got to start fighting training."I replied.
"Good point, you will get trained though."She said.
"Nice job, but you won't defeat me with weakness."Enemy announced.
"We can try."I said.
He deafeated us almost, well he did defeat Britney. But not me, I was on the ground but I got up. One hand was on fire and the other was life flames but was ice color.
"Good will always rise over evil!"I said loudly.
"How can this be possible, I defeated you!"Enemy exclimated.
"Good can never be defeated, evil will never rule."I added
"You shall be defeated!"Enemy yelled.
I hold up my have and a fire ball shot out of it, I hold up other hand and an ice ball gets shot out of it. So I keep going and I run around him with my super speed.
"How can this be happening?"Enemy asked.
"Like I said, good always defeats evil."I replied.
Then I power punched the enemy and he went flying high into air and he was knocked out.
"Nice job, but where are the heros?"She asked me.
"Over here dummies."Tony announced
"Oh sorry."I replied.
So we set all of the heroes free and we went back to Tony's home. I didn't know how he would react about us fighting a super villain when we are still training.
"Thanks, I knew you would gain your powers soon."Tony said.
"Thanks."Britney and I both said together.
"I guess we are partners."Britney said.
"There is something I always wanted to do since I saw you the first time."I announced.
"What is it?"She asked.
I got her close to me and kissed her on the lips. After about a couple of minutes she was kissing me back. We then were kissing for like 5 minutes, then we stopped and looked at each other.
"I love you."I finally said.
"Lets get to know each other first."She replied.
"Alright."I said.
So after a few months of getting to know each other we became a couple. So that was the story of how I became a hero and how I got a partner in crime and a girlfriend.

 

[FlameChrome]

Chapter 2: New Base, New Enemy​

"You guys need a base, I can't hang around here with you forever, im copyrighted."Tony announced.
"But where will we live we not even 16?"I asked.
"Maybe one of your parents houses."Tony replied.
"My parents has called the police already to find me."I replied.
"I have no parents so, yeah."Britney says a little embarested.
"Guys you're heros, im sure you can find a base, heroes need brain."Tony added.
"Im sure we will figure something out."Britney added.
Later I was training when Britney walked in, good thing I have my clothes on this time. She was wandering where her swords are but I didn't know, I haven't seen them for weeks. She then told me to let her know when I see them, I said I would let her know.
A few hours later there was a mission/distress alert. I rushed to the main room where Tony and Britney was.
"Guys the old enemy is back."Tony announced.
"I don't like fighting him he's my old friend."I replied.
"You guys have no choice right now, you have to fight him, Mike you are the only one who can defeat him."Tony said to me.
"Fine, lets go Britney."I said.
So we wen't to find my old friend. I hate it that I have to fight a friend. We are here and ready to fight, sorta not really me.
"Bob give up so I don't have to fight you."I announced.
"Haha, like I will give up, your funny."Bob replied.
"You were a friend, I don't like fighting friends."I said.
"I am no longer your friend I am your enemy."Bob said.
"I still don't want to fight you."I said.
"Too bad, lets fight."Bob said.
So we fought it was tuff, but I defeated bob. He went to jail, me and Britney were injured but I think we will be ok. We went back to Tony's place, we did a body scan on us and saw that we were badly damaged but we must rest for at least 24 hours.
The next day Tony was finding a base for us and he found some but he wanted our approval first. Once we woke up Tony showed us the bases but we only liked one, so that was our base. We moved into the base and we couldn't even unpack one box when a enemy alert appeared.
"I don't feel like battling." I announced.
"Me neither but we have to do it."Britney replied.
So we left and went to the crime spot. We saw Bob and a new person. I wonder who he is.
"Who are you?"I asked the new enemy.
"Jingle Jangle, but call me holiday disaster."He responded.
"You will be on Santa's naughty list if you don't stop then."Britney remarked.
When I'm done I will be on santa's good list forever."H.D. responded.
"I'm ready, lets fight."Britney said to Hd.
So we fought, I defeated Bob in about an hour, but Britney was still fighting Holiday Disaster. I started to help her but she wanted to do this herself. I wasn't complaining, I got a chair and popcorn and sat down. I watched for a couple of hours then I was getting bored, so I decided to go home and finish unpacking. Once I got home I got a distress call saying bob was in jail, cool, and that Britney was captured in the north pole.
I was actually amazed that she got captured, she's a good fighter, way better than me actually. I don't think I will be any match for anyone who can defeat her. Time for some back up, but who will I call? Maybe superman, nah he's busy. I might have to this by myself.
I left the base and headed for the north pole. Once I got there I scouted the area and found out that there were guards everywhere, they were elves. I took out all of the elf guards, then I went inside. I saw Britney chained up in front of a ray, and Holiday Disaster laughing and getting the laser ready. The only think I think that would work is to hack the system but I can't do it.
So I decided to call Tony and hack the system to disable the laser and the security of the place. It took about 30 minutes but once it was done, I had only about 10 minutes to free Britney and defeat Holiday Disaster. I freed Britney but I couldn't defeat Holiday disaster.
"What now?"Britney asked me as the power went back on.
"No clue."I replied.
Then news went on the television talking about this new hero who has super speed, powers of a ninja, animal instincs, a jedi, and powers of a crystal gem. I wonder who he is. If only I can contact Tony and research him, but Holiday Disaster took all of my gear. I am tied up next to Britney with the laser targeted at us. Then out of no where the wall gets broken down, it's Tony.
"Tony, thank you for coming."I announced.
"Shut it dummy, metal versus strength."Holiday Disaster.
"Metal always win."Tony says while blasting Holiday Disaster.
The battle was tuff but when Tony was able to release me and Britney, the odds got on our side. But that ended when the enemy called for back up. Britney got captured again, I think the enemy has drained her powers. Tony's suit got busted up, so it was me with my powers and tony, no suit, versus Holiday disaster and her minion elves.
"This is the tuffest battle I have ever done."I announced.
"I have worse, when you're a hero for years you get used to this, its like a small battle."Tony replied.
"I guess your right."I said.
The battle was tuff, but I stood through. Tony got captured, so it was just me and my powers. I finished off the minions, then I started to fight Holiday Disaster. It was terriable, I was having a hard time to get a punch on her. After about 2 hours I finally defeated her.
The aftermath was great, Holiday Disaster went to super power bad guy jail. Britney is recovering, hoping her powers will come back. Tony is making tougher suits, and I have been trying to search for the new superhero. I hope I can find him and have him join our team. I forgot to add that the new hero is generations of Power Rangers, I had to look that up.

 

[Vragon]

A little DC and Marvel blending never hurt anyone. (Seriously the two need to come together more often!)

But aside from that, it's a nice story. I would suggest the following:

1) Add details.
While this has good dialogue the thing that makes it different from a Role-Play is descriptions or narrations. Like for the part where Mike meets Tony. This I would assume is a very big deal to Mike, so take advantage of important moments and try to put some details in. What was tony like from mike's point of view? Was he wearing something cool or was Tony hard to recognize? Ask yourself ways to improve detailing and your will have a better chance of aiding your audience in visualizing.

2) Word repetition
It can be hard to not use "said". Heck even I still do. But it can grow, tiring for the reader to see the same word over, and over, and over. If you need to find an alternative, then I would suggest doing a google search for words that have the same meaning, or fit the sentence better.

Example:

"But where will we live we not even 16?"I asked.
Flame the Trainer

Asking questions about the scene can aid in describing it in a more detailed manner.

"But," I interjected, as he readied his suit for flight, "Where will we live? I'm not even sixteen."

Now, I always like to leave a piece of positivity at the end.
So here are two things I liked about your story.

1) Your introduction:
It was fitting for the person. I could definitely envision Mike talking like this in the intro the more I got to know about him.

2) Your Original Characters
I like OC's and yours are pretty good. I like the ending of Chapter 1 (heck it was awkward and funny). I enjoyed how you had that scene and then described it a later on how it worked out. Try and flesh out some of your other Characters, cause there is a lot of potential.

I hope you don't think you're expected to be perfect, (cause hell I'm far from it) it's just in my interest to see you improve. Criticism should be beneficial and I hope I offered you something that you can take away from and use to better your writing.

Wish you luck!
PS: Love the profile Pic! Charizard is Mega-awesome, Noivern is my Gen 6 Dragon, Buizel is one of the few Pokémon I hate to evolve, Pikachu obviously because of Spark (future work of mine), Sylveon fairy's brutality, Greninja awesome incarnate.