Barrels

Who doesn't have silverware? Everybody with a house has silverware, it's just the blanket terms for knives and forks and spoons and shit. It doesn't mean they're actually made of silver, you dork. I don't sit at my dining room table with Maggie Smith polishing my cutlery. Cutlery. That would have been a better word to use. Also what dining room table? I don't have a dining room table. I pushed it against the wall and it's now a computer desk...

Also I completely forgot about fellatio and other such fun activities when I said that lmao. I meant don't cum geographically where you eat. Like, if you eat in Vegas, don't cum in Vegas. If you eat sitting perched atop a tree, don't cum on the tree. Things like that. Good rule to live by for a strapping young man like yourself.

It's amazing, the speed with which five days passes.

I decided against the guy from Grindr - partially because I've never actually met him before and agreeing to being his housemate would be gross as Grindr is a sleazy place (I could be buying my silverware back from hobos) and partially because I think it would be a really awkward situation with my other housemate if I had a teenager trying to sit on my dick at every given moment. Don't cum where you eat, or something like that.

If that isn't in accordance with my good Christian upbringing, I don't know what is. That's the 9th Commandment, is it not? "Thou shalt not cum where thou lives"

What is going on in your life, my British Bitch Son?

That was a very long two paragraphs just to say you miss me, though I'm glad I can inspire such wordy greatness! I've never thought of us as having a 'geography-defying correspondence' in a day and age where village elders have been replaced by Google and Twinstabook, but if that's the romance you hold in your mind then far be it from me to let it flow, you beautiful beautiful man!

I've actually thought a lot about how I'd divide my money if I were to become rich. I have a whole bunch of people in my life who need money badly and I know they'd put it to good use, so I've kinda worked out a sort of formula of who would get how much. I don't believe in actual charity, though. The starving children and trees and dolphins can wait until my friends can afford a 3DS of their very own :P

However my business ventures are only just kicking off! One of them was quite simple really - put up my spare bedroom on Airbnb and have strangers stay in my place for $50 a night so I never have to pay rent again. But that may have been stymied by a potential new housemate coming from the mysterious and wonderful world of Grindr - which is fine, it means I have to put in less effort to be accommodating and I have to pay less rent, which is still rent. But also less risky given that we're renters ourselves and I'm not sure how the real estate or the landlords would feel about us pimping out their room to strangers.

It could still happen however! We'll see what the future holds when the future comes. When is that, by the way?

My present is beautiful, just goddamn beautiful. My favourite quote is

"What a character," blurts a startled new employee, seconds after Nev grabs her and charges through the office bellowing, "Good-looking Welsh girl coming throoooough!"

Because I can just see it happening so vividly haha.

BUT WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU, OF ME, OF US? My life has kicked into overdrive lately. Not only have I got my regular full-time work, I am also in the works of kicking off two other business endeavours with a friend from high school who used to dream with me about being rich one day. How often do you dream about things in high school and then actually do them? The full-circle-ness is weighing very heavy! Between this and my newfound addiction to Game of Thrones, it's amazing I've had the time to write to you at all! :P

But I'll always find time for my Barrels.

Cloyster censors out 'c u next Tuesday' for want of a cliche, which begs the question, why don't you have the swear filter turned off. I fought for this freedom for many years, how dare you not exercise it?! I am ABJECT with rage! Abject, I say!

ClickHole is amazing. It is my new favourite place in the entire Internet. It dares to ask the hard questions like 'Why Vegetarian?' and you get to hear about the first time people had sex. Fantastic place full of honesty.

Alright so on the note of the albino dinosaur... it did strike me as incredibly odd that near the beginning of the movie Mr Masrani was like "it's white... you didn't tell me it was white"

Cut to shot of the Indominus and it is not anything even resembling white, and never was for the entire movie. Like, I get that as a man of his nationality everybody seems white, but Jesus get your eyes checked.

And yes, Tony Abbott is a **** of extreme worldly proportions, but unfortunately he's who we're stuck with until late next year haha.

Oh my God that letter is frakking hilarious. I can't believe Britain has a version of The Onion too lol. The Australian one is called "The Shovel". Heaven help us.

But to apologise for my horridly long absence I have brought you gifts! One equally hilarious article and a three-minute video.

My gift is sounding more like homework every time I read the line back to myself, but you'll do your homework and you'll like it.

http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/ive-got-cryptic-message-anyone-who-thinks-gays-sho-472

http://www.clickhole.com/video/incredible-video-proves-all-bodies-are-beautiful-a-2690

It's never a line when I use it, it's always the truth! I'm a great liar but I would never lie to you (though how would you know that? I just admitted I'm a great liar. Think on that, let it blow your mind).

And of course I've seen Jurassic World - nary a soul hasn't at this point. Except those darned Ethiopians, they're still whining about their hunger while the rest of the world rolls its eyes and says "alright we get it, but c'mon it's the Indominus Rex, look at this majestic fucking beast. Then look at these awesome pictures of me eating chicken."

I've actually seen it four times at the movies already haha. I didn't grow up with the Jurassic Park movies because my mother has the philosophy of "why don't they just make nice movies?" but I have seen them in recent years so this was a really awesome addition. My favourite scene was

Nah that's not the same one - it's very similar but the one I read was a bit less clever and actually used the names of the people in the real controversy. If it were that one I might have laughed instead of facepalming :P

I'm glad that I've scarred you, I tend to have that effect on men!

Hahaha yeah I saw that, it's been plastered all over the internet since the people are from my unfortunate country. Sadly it is true but I have since come across a spoof version of it with the title "couple vows to kill children if gay adoption is legalised" haha.

Unfortunately as spoof articles go that one is entirely unclever and they squandered the potential of a great parody title by being too heavy-handed with the message it was trying to send :(

I will reply in full tomorrow and if I dont I give you permission to hire a baby to shadow me for all my days!

BARRELS MY BARRELS I AM SO SORRY

I HAVENT BEEN COMING ON POKECOMMUNITY AND I FORGOT I HADNT REPLIED TO YOUR MESSAGE PLEASE MAKE THE BABIES STOP

I only hate you because you put a baby on my wall :P

I FEEL LIKE I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!

My laptop has been fixed (potentially by your agreeing to allow yourself to be referred to as Barrels Mah Barrels), and after three days of file restoration I was finally able to use it, only to not have the Internet for days after that.

BUT NOW EVERYTHING IS FIXED, MY TECHNOLOGY HAS STOPPED FAILING ME AND I AM BACK ONCE AGAIN IN YOUR CAPABLE HANDS.

You have shown me the Tim Minchin thing before, I'm sure. Well, I've definitely seen it either way, but the majesty is not lost on a reviewing :P

May 12th was our last correspondence. My Barrels had to do without me for ten long days. But as the kids say these days, "it's been a long day without you my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

I don't know where they get this stuff, it's very wordy for the latest catch phrase. I'll stick with the classics like "Cool!" "Sweet, dude", "I don't love you and I never have," and my personal favourite, "Get that away from me before it explodes I don't want a sticky mess all over me."

What's been happening? Tell me every detail of the last ten days.

We don't need to wait for episode 2 to find the answers to the questions about my vampiric conscience :P

To be honest I'm more interested in finding out what the hell is that white crap all over an otherwise delicious looking baby. I'm hoping it's like sherbet or faster sugar and not flour.

What's worse though is that I told a coworker about the wallaby when he was being too loud and rambunctious because I know how much he loves animals and I knew it would upset him and shut him up lol. So NOT ONLY DID I KILL IT, I'M USING ITS CORPSE FOR PERSONAL GAIN. My soul is well and truly done.

We used to have the most delicious jelly babies and then as everything does, they got discontinued. That's not interesting.

The good news is my laptop will be back on Tuesday if it can be fixed! And if it can't, I'm ordering a brand new one for 15% off thanks to my wonderful friend who works at the Apple Store!

Oh and I hit a wallaby with my car on the way home from work tonight and it worries me how little I felt about it. I actually forgot it had happened until just now writing this message lol. Do I have a conscience? Am I without a soul to call my own? Can my forehead turn bumpy and cause fangs to sprout from my gums and my skin to catch fire in the light of day? These questions and more answered on Andrew's Introspective Journey Through Accidental Murder

Your baby misses you too but your baby has found himself in the horrible position of once again being without a laptop! The struggle is real. I feel like I can't breathe without it, I just wanna scroll through tumblr and talk to you!

It all started when you refused to call yourself Barrels Mah Barrels. That broke my laptop.

Oh also I hear there is a new, better Star Wars trailer out. I have not seen it, but I trust that you have :P

I had this random thought just go through my head
It said

"I've gotta get back to Barrels! Mah Barrels!"

So your name is henceforth Barrels Mah Barrels - name changes are a thing on this community now, you should get on top of that.

I would take a photo of all the chocolate I got for Easter but it won't all fit in one photo, I'm afraid :( #silverplatterlife

HOW DID YOU FARE? The less chocolate, the more chance you will have of getting married and never having children because who even does that.

YOURE STILL ONLINE HALF AN HOUR AFTER VMING ME

SKYPE!1!!!1