Can men and women really be "just friends"?

I'm honestly debating this with myself sometimes. We are created to feel attraction to the opposite sex for the baby reason. And we can also be attracted to the same sex, if we're homosexual. Can you truly be "just friends" with a person of the sex you are attracted to, or will there always be the risk/possibility of something more?

I mean, with family it's usually easy, but that's specific roles. My brother and my father, for example. They're not quite my friends anyways, they are constants in my life.

But with friends that we don't necessarily want to count as possible romantic interests, is it possible to form the sort of connection that is more alike what I have for my father and brother than my boyfriend?

I hope this doesn't sound too confusing, haha. But I wanted some thoughts and opinions, at the very least :3

I think this is a silly question. Of course you can have a platonic relationship with a member of the sex you're attracted to without one or both parties desiring something more. People can and do get along without wanting to have sex/be in a relationship. Not everyone is attracted to everyone. You can't want to have sex/be in a relationship with every person of the gender/s you're attracted to, or you wouldn't be able to function in society.

Yes, sometimes one or both parties want something more from their relationship. Sometimes they can take their relationship to a difference level, and sometimes they can't. But even in instances where there is attraction, you can remain friends with someone without having sex/starting a relationship with them.

When there is attraction, you just have to deal with it in a mature way. Have a conversation about where you both stand and figure out if it's something you can deal with. Some people will be jerks about this - if someone can't be your friend unless you have sex with them/date them, then they sound like a pretty crappy friend. If you can't be friends with someone who won't have sex with you/date you, then maybe you have issues.

~Psychic

Of course. I'm actually friends with three guys. While, I do have a crush on my senpai, it's not like I'd consider being with him. The other two are basically just friends I hang around with at times. We are good friends, and I don't see why it's an issue. I guess maybe it could be due to the fact that I'm also in a committed relationship though. I have no reason to feel any real attraction with anyone. Senpai is actually more of a fangirl-type crush than anything.

Anyway, I do believe it can happen. I can't really explain how, but I think it's still possible for some. Maybe just not for everyone. There's really no reason for a guy and girl not to be mutual friends. I know one of my real life friends has a few guy friends as well without any attraction to them. Hell, I've seen a lot of ex-friends who are the same way.

To some people this is a stupid question and to others its something that is pretty vital that they're a solid "no" to. Growing up, it was never a problem for me. Even now, it isn't. I think it all depends on someone's sexuality, though. Sexuality isn't the same in any two people, but there's a lot of people in the world with very high sexual attraction to others. It's something that's pretty foreign to me. I think I have a relatively average libido for someone of my age. But what separates me from a lot of the people I read about who say no (this is a hot topic on Reddit) is that I don't really look at many people sexually. I think I can count on half a hand the number of people I've seen in a sexual manner before.

For me, it's entirely possible to be in platonic relationships with the opposite sex. In fact, the majority of my friends are females. I have had feelings for a resounding one in my lifetime and that's the person who I currently would say am invested in. But overall, I have a very hard time looking at people like that - both sexually, and romantically, even. And when I do, I can't help but feel like a terrible person, because while I think sex is pretty important on a fundamental level, I think there are more important things to life and I'm not someone who feels comfortable objectifying someone sexually. And it just reminds me of the dudes I went to school with (and in college) who, all they cared about, was having sex with as many women as they could. Not really shaming that kind of lifestyle, though. To each his/her own. But it's not a lifestyle I can identify with nor understand. That being said, I do recognize that to many people sex is just another activity, not so different from basketball or gaming.

For a long time, though, it made me question my sexuality. And growing up, in high school, a lot of kids called me gay because I wasn't looking to have sex with girls, and I never fancied anyone. But the constant reinforcement of people calling me that created a lot of insecurity and I think repressed whatever sexuality I did have growing until a few years after. I know it took me a lot of time to not demonize sexuality anymore, and it makes me feel better as a human now that I have move past that. I think a lot of those thoughts drove me to befriend more girls than guys, though, since most of the guys in my school were the jock types who met that stereotype of "no strings attached" and casual hookups rather than dedicated relationships.

For me it will very definitely be a "yes". Some of my closer friends have been of the opposite sex; one of my best friends as of right now is a guy that I love very much as a friend and person, but romantically? There's absolutely nothing there. That particular spark just does not exist.

So it's definitely very possible to have even a strong attachment to somebody of the opposite sex, but not have that "spark" that makes it jump from platonic to romantic. I mean, there's always the chance that might suddenly appear, since love can be tricky like that; but it's never a guaranteed thing, definitely not to the point where I would even dare to venture to say "yeah it will go to something more". Not when I know it absolutely can stay platonic.

Although I do say this as someone who's never been too interested in the physical side of things - I'm far more interested in the emotional bonding that comes with love of any kind, should I happen to feel anything towards a person - so my own view of it is possibly a bit skewed. I dunno.

King Goodra said:

To some people this is a stupid question and to others its something that is pretty vital that they're a solid "no" to. Growing up, it was never a problem for me. Even now, it isn't. I think it all depends on someone's sexuality, though. Sexuality isn't the same in any two people, but there's a lot of people in the world with very high sexual attraction to others. It's something that's pretty foreign to me. I think I have a relatively average libido for someone of my age. But what separates me from a lot of the people I read about who say no (this is a hot topic on Reddit) is that I don't really look at many people sexually. I think I can count on half a hand the number of people I've seen in a sexual manner before.

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This isn't a matter of sexuality, though. It's more a matter of how you deal with your desires and how they affect your interpersonal relationships. This is about if your attraction to someone can prevent you from being "just friends" with them. The question being asked is "Can you truly be "just friends" with a person of the sex you are attracted to, or will there always be the risk/possibility of something more?" So there are three possible scenarios to which this applies:

1. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, and neither person wants to have sex with/date the other person
2. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, but one person wants to have sex with/date the other person
3. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, and both people want to have sex with/date the other person

So the question is, can the people in any of those relationships be "just friends," or is each friendship doomed to fail because it's impossible to remain "just friends" in these scenarios? My answer is that in any of those scenarios, you can remain just friends.

Examples:

1. You are friends with your classmate. Neither of you wants to have sex with or date the other person. You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.
2. a) You have a crush on your close friend, but they're not interested in you. You tell them about your feelings, they say they don't feel the same way. You say "That's totally cool and I respect your feelings. I think I need to take a few weeks to get over my feelings, then we can get back to hanging out." You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.
   b) Your good friend tells you they have feelings for you, but you don't feel the same way. They shrug and say "okay, that's fair," and you go back to whatever you were doing.
3. You have a crush on your friend and they have a crush on you, but you're both in monogamous relationships with other people, so you can't have sex or date. Maybe you take some time off from seeing each other to get your feelings in order. You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.

There are exceptions to the rule. For instance, in scenario 2b, if the person who's attracted to their friend doesn't have their feelings returned and get really angry or upset about it, then that ceases to be a safe, healthy friendship. But that goes back to my point about how I think that this kind of person has issues.

But I have have all four of the above examples happen to me. I'm attracted to men, and all of those things have happened to me. Some situations were tougher than others, but all of these friendships have endured and lasted. I think that all of these things happen to a lot of people, and often, if you're good friends who care about your friendship, it will last.

King Goodra said:

For a long time, though, it made me question my sexuality. And growing up, in high school, a lot of kids called me gay because I wasn't looking to have sex with girls, and I never fancied anyone. But the constant reinforcement of people calling me that created a lot of insecurity and I think repressed whatever sexuality I did have growing until a few years after. I know it took me a lot of time to not demonize sexuality anymore, and it makes me feel better as a human now that I have move past that. I think a lot of those thoughts drove me to befriend more girls than guys, though

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Unrelated, but I just wanted to say that sucks and I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. Our culture has a really messed-up idea of what constitutes masculinity and heterosexuality, and that can have a profound effect on people. I'm glad to hear things are better, now.

~Psychic

Psy_MoonShadow said:

I think this is a silly question. Of course you can have a platonic relationship with a member of the sex you're attracted to without one or both parties desiring something more. People can and do get along without wanting to have sex/be in a relationship. Not everyone is attracted to everyone. You can't want to have sex/be in a relationship with every person of the gender/s you're attracted to, or you wouldn't be able to function in society.

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My thoughts more or less here (and any other people that mentioned the same thing here). I'm friends with several guys that I care a lot about but have no desire to pursue a relationship with them. In middle and high school I used to worry about this a lot, but then that feeling eventually passed over.

Sylphiel said:

Although I do say this as someone who's never been too interested in the physical side of things - I'm far more interested in the emotional bonding that comes with love of any kind, should I happen to feel anything towards a person - so my own view of it is possibly a bit skewed. I dunno.

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Same here. When it comes to starting a relationship, I want an emotional bond happening first, although I don't mind attraction being another factor later on.

Psy_MoonShadow said:

This isn't a matter of sexuality, though. It's more a matter of how you deal with your desires and how they affect your interpersonal relationships. This is about if your attraction to someone can prevent you from being "just friends" with them. The question being asked is "Can you truly be "just friends" with a person of the sex you are attracted to, or will there always be the risk/possibility of something more?" So there are three possible scenarios to which this applies:

1. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, and neither person wants to have sex with/date the other person
2. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, but one person wants to have sex with/date the other person
3. Being friends with someone of the sex you're attracted to, and both people want to have sex with/date the other person

So the question is, can the people in any of those relationships be "just friends," or is each friendship doomed to fail because it's impossible to remain "just friends" in these scenarios? My answer is that in any of those scenarios, you can remain just friends.

Examples:

1. You are friends with your classmate. Neither of you wants to have sex with or date the other person. You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.
2. You have a crush on your close friend, but they're not interested in you. You tell them about your feelings, they say they don't feel the same way. You say "that's totally cool and I respect your feelings. I think I need to take a few weeks to get over my feelings, then we can get back to hanging out." You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.
3. a) You have a crush on your friend and they have a crush on you, but you're both in monogamous relationships with other people, so you can't have sex or date. Maybe you take some time off from seeing each other to get your feelings in order. You proceed to have a normal, healthy friendship.
   b) You and your friend are single and attracted to each other. You go on to date and proceed to have a normal, healthy relationship.

There are exceptions to the rule. For instance, in scenario 2, if the person who's attracted to their friend doesn't have their feelings returned and get really angry or upset about it, then that ceases to be a safe, healthy friendship. But that goes back to my point about how I think that this kind of person has issues.

But I have have all four of the above examples happen to me. I'm attracted to men, and have had friendships with men where there was no attraction between us; where one person was attracted but the other wasn't; and where we both were attracted and couldn't do anything about it; and where we both were attracted and then went on to date. Some situations were tougher than others, but all of these friendships have endured and lasted. I think that all of these things happen to a lot of people, and often, if you're good friends who care about your friendship, it will last.



Unrelated, but I just wanted to say that sucks and I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. Our culture has a really messed-up idea of what constitutes masculinity and heterosexuality, and that can have a profound effect on people. I'm glad to hear things are better, now.

~Psychic

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But it does relate to sexuality... it relates to sexuality in so many ways. You can be just friends with people you aren't sexually attracted to, but when sexual attraction comes into play, and also romantic attraction, things get past that point. And that's ultimately why people ask "Can men and women really be "just friends?" Because there's the thought that there's an underlying desire to be with the other, romantically or sexually that is always there for hetero people.

King Goodra said:

But it does relate to sexuality... it relates to sexuality in so many ways. You can be just friends with people you aren't sexually attracted to, but when sexual attraction comes into play, and also romantic attraction, things get past that point. And that's ultimately why people ask "Can men and women really be "just friends?" Because there's the thought that there's an underlying desire to be with the other, romantically or sexually that is always there for hetero people.

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This still doesn't have anything to do with sexuality. You are talking about attraction VS interpersonal relationships, which are two very different subjects. Some people do let their attraction rule their relationships with people, while others do not. They are not necessarily connected. Your attraction to another person does not necessarily have to prevent you from having a normal relationship with them. If you think this is related to sexuality in "many ways," please explain them without conflating sexuality with other topics.

One can still be sexually and romantically attracted to someone and remain friends. Those feelings can fade with time, after all, and even if they don't fade, you can still be friends. People in this thread are living proof that there can be attraction within a friendship, but the friendship remains happy and healthy. I have given examples of mature ways to handle those situations so that those friendships can remain intact, and have stated that all of those situations happened to me. Are you implying that our experiences are wrong?

As I have stated, just because there is attraction within a friendship does not mean that it can or will be acted upon. In situations where one or both individuals are already in a monogamous relationship, they are prevented from taking their relationship to another level. Yet many people will remain friends despite this. There are exceptions, like where one person worries that their attraction will ruin the friendship and so end it, but I still say that for the most part, someone who ends a friendship just because their friend doesn't or can't return their feelings seems like a jerk who didn't value the friendship in the first place.

Lastly, it is fascinating when people talk solely about relationships between men and women and exclude homosexual individuals and those who fall outside of the binary. This question isn't really raised within the LGBTQ community - why is it only assumed that men and women can't be friends? Why is it assumed that lesbians can be friends with women they are attracted to? What is so different about opposite-sex relationships?

~Psychic

The implication that men and women cannot be anything less than sexual beings is laughable, something that's only brought up a justification for one's inability to control their sex drive.

Psy_MoonShadow said:

This still doesn't have anything to do with sexuality. You are talking about attraction VS interpersonal relationships, which are two very different subjects. Some people do let their attraction rule their relationships with people, while others do not. They are not necessarily connected. Your attraction to another person does not necessarily have to prevent you from having a normal relationship with them. If you think this is related to sexuality in "many ways," please explain them without conflating sexuality with other topics.

One can still be sexually and romantically attracted to someone and remain friends. Those feelings can fade with time, after all, and even if they don't fade, you can still be friends. People in this thread are living proof that there can be attraction within a friendship, but the friendship remains happy and healthy. I have given examples of mature ways to handle those situations so that those friendships can remain intact, and have stated that all of those situations happened to me. Are you implying that our experiences are wrong?

As I have stated, just because there is attraction within a friendship does not mean that it can or will be acted upon. In situations where one or both individuals are already in a monogamous relationship, they are prevented from taking their relationship to another level. Yet many people will remain friends despite this. There are exceptions, like where one person worries that their attraction will ruin the friendship and so end it, but I still say that for the most part, someone who ends a friendship just because their friend doesn't or can't return their feelings seems like a jerk who didn't value the friendship in the first place.

Lastly, it is fascinating when people talk solely about relationships between men and women and exclude homosexual individuals and those who fall outside of the binary. This question isn't really raised within the LGBTQ community - why is it only assumed that men and women can't be friends? Why is it assumed that lesbians can be friends with women they are attracted to? What is so different about opposite-sex relationships?

~Psychic

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I am reading your post and agreeing what you're saying. I am of the opinion that opposite sex people can remain friends. I said that since my first post. You are of the opinion that opposite sex people can remain friends. You said that since your first post. So I just... don't understand what you're arguing against since there's absolutely nothing to argue against in my posts. All I am saying is that sex and romantic interests relate to this topic, because the topic at hand is: "Can you truly be "just friends" with a person of the sex you are attracted to, or will there always be the risk/possibility of something more?"

King Goodra said:

I am reading your post and agreeing what you're saying. I am of the opinion that opposite sex people can remain friends. I said that since my first post. You are of the opinion that opposite sex people can remain friends. You said that since your first post. So I just... don't understand what you're arguing against since there's absolutely nothing to argue against in my posts. All I am saying is that sex and romantic interests relate to this topic, because the topic at hand is: "Can you truly be "just friends" with a person of the sex you are attracted to, or will there always be the risk/possibility of something more?"

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I apologize if my reply was overly harsh or rude, however you did say (emphasis mine):

King Goodra said:

But it does relate to sexuality... it relates to sexuality in so many ways. You can be just friends with people you aren't sexually attracted to, but when sexual attraction comes into play, and also romantic attraction, things get past that point.

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The first point was unclear, and the second seems to be at odds with what you're saying.

1) Yes, sexual and romance relate to this topic, however what I am saying is that sexual and romantic interest do not have to rule interpersonal relationships. In your first post, you said "it all depends on someone's sexuality," which implies that whether or not people can remain friends depends on sexuality. Sexuality is not a defining factor, here - it's how you deal with it that affects the relationship.

2) This post seems to be saying that a friendship cannot remain a friendship when sexual and romantic attraction come into play, which is something I disagree with.


I would also like to clarify that I am not only talking about opposite-sex relations, and that the last paragraph in my previous post was not directly aimed at you, but was rather a comment on how the discussion is being framed.

~Psychic

I am learning myself to be social, and many of my friends are girls, and a few boys. I am fine being friends with either sex, but romantically I am a potato.

Harley Quinn said:

The implication that men and women cannot be anything less than sexual beings is laughable, something that's only brought up a justification for one's inability to control their sex drive.

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I don't think it's laughable, I think it's a question of how much of our biology we can control in this society.

Adventure said:

I don't think it's laughable, I think it's a question of how much of our biology we can control in this society.

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How is this biology? Nobody is saying you can't be attracted to your friends - just don't let those desires change your relationships. I believe I have addressed this quite thoroughly in my previous posts if you would like to expand on your position and address them.

~Psychic

Psy_MoonShadow said:

How is this biology? Nobody is saying you can't be attracted to your friends - just don't let those desires change your relationships. I believe I have addressed this quite thoroughly in my previous posts if you would like to expand on your position and address them.

~Psychic

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It's exactly what you say here: biologically, we're supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. But we can, and have to, control that in our monogamous society. At least if we are a person who feels attraction easily.

Does one really treat one's female and male friends the same way? Related thought.

Adventure said:

I don't think it's laughable, I think it's a question of how much of our biology we can control in this society.

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In my experience, the question has almost universally come up as ploy by a horny straight male trying to get with a less horny female. While it has basis in scientific discussion, it's seemingly become nothing more but a ploy to get females into bed, lol. So that's why I find it laughable, no offence intended.

This question all depends on the individuals perception of the opposite sex, and current situation and ideals. [Gonna make this somewhat short, I wanna cook a stew yumyum]

For myself, I am perfectly fine with girls being very close friends of mine. My closest friend who I see on a regular basis is a girl, whilst my best friend is a guy. Both of them I treasure dearly, but I would never want to cross the line with either of them, simply because there isn't a basis to cross the line with them. There's nothing there to build a relationship of that manner upon. In this sense it is worth considering what a person means to the individual before considering them as anything more than the friend they are.

I don't feel this extends in the same way to sexual activity. I think that friends can engage in a sexual activity without it becoming something more. Friends can have sex, for fun, for pleasure or what have you, and it doesn't have to then progress to a relationship in those terms. I can't say I have experience in this area though, so others may have contradicting views.

As for the question to whether we treat male and female friends the same way... I certainly do. Idgaf if you're guy or gal. If you're my friend, you're gonna get pranked, teased, laughed at and will likely do the same to me. Again, it all depends on your point of view, and if you see females and males as equals, or different. Inherently, females and males are different. Different workings in the brain, different mentalities and so on. That doesn't mean, to me, that I have to treat you any differently. I'm still gonna help you out as a friend, support you and so on, but I'm not going to cross the line unless both parties want to.

Adventure said:

It's exactly what you say here: biologically, we're supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. But we can, and have to, control that in our monogamous society. At least if we are a person who feels attraction easily.

Does one really treat one's female and male friends the same way? Related thought.

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Yes we are I suppose, but there's obviously limits and irregularities to that rule. For one, I am attracted to women but I'm not attracted to every female on Earth. There's more involved in attraction, both physically and mentally, than just being of a specific gender. Besides, homosexuality is a thing that proves without a doubt there are conditions, limitations and variations to the way biology affects our lives.

Speaking of which, have you notice how nobody ever asks if to homosexual people of the same gender can just be friends? It's the same thing essentially but nobody considers it.

Does one really treat one's female and male friends the same way? Related thought.

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I do. I try to treat all my friends with the same respect and consideration regardless of their genitals. Gender doesn't define us it is merely an aspect of who we are.

It works so long as both participants of said friendship are happy with their life. Unfortunately, that includes, to an extend, both of them having already found their respective other. Otherwise, it can easily turn into a huge mess of feelings and non-feelings, which ultimately can destroy said friendship easily.