So my depression is kicking back again. I've broken down four times in the last few days and I don't know what I can do. I know the background of what caused the breakdowns so I'll try explaining it:
I'm currently in a relationship with a girl I truly love and she said she loves me. I've had to withdraw from the uni I go to due to health problems so I'm currently attending a CC where I honestly don't belong. I say this because I don't have any friends there, and I don't do anything but go there for my classes and come back home and go straight to my room. The girl I'm in a relationship with goes to college about an hour and thirty min away by train, and I go see her at least every two weeks, I stay for a weekend. Well we always used to talk about the future in the past, and I guess I believed she would be always part of my life so I said 'forever' and 'marriage' a lot. However, she told me yesterday that she doesn't mean to put any stress on me, but she said she doesn't know if we'll be together for 'forever'. She said she's unsure and all because she's used to feeling alone. By 'alone' I mean, because previously we dated for almost a year, then due to a depression episode I broke up with her while I was an uni. It was a horrible break up and I tried getting what we had back with other people, which ended up hurting me and her more. I completely take the blame. I'm a horrible and disgusting person for what I did, and if I could I would rewind and take it all back and if I could I would rewind to erase my existence overall. But I can't. Back to the story, over that year she's become used to being alone. However, we started dating late last year again and that uplifted me. It gave me something to look for when I'm in this hell hole, and I look forward to every moment I spend with her. Only think is after she said that, I don't know how to take it. I want to be in this relationship because I want to last. I don't know if she meant that she doesn't want along term relationship, because she also sometimes uses 'us' in the future tense (for when/if we do live with each other) and I guess that mixes my emotions. I really want to be with her, she means a lot to me, I guess everything if I think about it at this point. I don't have any friends here, and only talk to friends back at my uni which is 6 hours away. And even then I feel like I'm bothering them sometimes because I don't want to be alone. And talking to her and texting her helps a lot. I apologize if this is getting all jumbled up, but I don't know what to do. I want to get even closer to her to show her I'm worth staying with, but since we're a bit far away I can't see her everyday and she did say that it's hard to be with someone when you can't physically interact with them everyday. But she said she's willing to try and I said that too. I'm even willing to go every weekend to see her even if it might be a bit costly. I just broke down multiple times yesterday after she said all those things. I thought that at least my relationship would be a constant in my crappy life. And after I broke down the first time, I realized I put a lot into my relationship with her. Instead of working on my own problems, I covered them up by being with her since it made me happy. I forgot about them and now I realize I haven't resolved them and I'm scared. I just need some advice. Anything will do. Even if you read this and don't respond, it's fine. I'm sorry that it's all jumbled up and hard to read aha.