Welcome to the wonderful world of...
FANFICTION!!
Ahem, the name's DG, and like I said, welcome to this wonderful little part of the artistic world we called "fanfictional writing"; I guess since I'm here, I'll be member number 1 (unless my post is ninja'd by someone else) to help critique your fanfiction and guide you along in this chapter on how you can make it better. So, without further ado, let us get started! *pulls out a pencil*
First off, before I begin the critiques, I'll let you know that the story has potential. And no, I'm not sugercoating this story when I say that; it wasn't totally atrocious in terms of grammar and spelling (although it does need some pointers), and the storyline seems to have an okay start-- it just needs a push in the right direction. But, I'll explain that in a moment. For now, I'll tackle your syntax errors and explain how you might want to make the story sound a little better along the way, okay?
Chapter 1
He had been running for how long now? Days? Weeks? Months? He was tired of running; but he couldn't stop, because if he did, the grass types would surely get him.
Just a few, simple corrections which shall be in red and bold for this fic. First off, "days?weeks?months?" should all be spaced out as seen above, and the beginnings of those phrases should be captialized. Even if "Days? Weeks? Months?" is not technically a group of sentences, you should still correct them. However... well, you lack verbs; in order to make "Days? Weeks? Months?" proper, I'd suggest something along the lines of "He had been running for how long now? Days, weeks, or even months perhaps; however long it had been, it felt like a long one". That would make the above a correct sentence. Next:
He was tired of running but he couldn't stop, because if he did, the grass types would surely get him.
Your main problem here, which I already corrected for you, is that you have three sentences smushed together with puncuation that doesn't quite read correctly. While you do have some commas in right places, you need to break up the sentences a little better. I've placed a semi-colon where I have because it allows the phrase following after it ("but he couldn't stop, because if he did, the grass types would surely get him") to read better without "He was tired of running," tagging along at the front; it just reads nicer instead of having all those commas there in that one place.
Meet Squirt, an adventurous squirtle with a knack for trouble, and his current situation. He was being chased by his worst nightmare: the three final evolutions of the grass type starters. Squirt was doomed, and he was trapped.
"It might as well be over," Squirt thought.
You have a nice start for introducing the character; from a litterary standpoint, that isn't too bad. It just needs some grammar help once again. First off, I've split up your first sentence into two sentences. What you had was another instance were there too many commas. By splitting your first sentence up into two seperate ones (and fusion the new second sentence with your next idea), it all flows better. In that second sentence, I also lead in the idea about the three final stages of the grass type starters with a colon (once again, for a better flow of ideas) and put in "the"-- that last one is because it sounded better to my ears, but I guess it could do without "the" as well if you like. Also a comma has been placed after "doomed" because you have a compound sentence, or two sentences put into one sentence. With compound sentences, you need the proper comma and tie in phrase ("and", "but", "or", & "yet").
Lastly, "It" needed to be capitalized, as it is the start of a sentence; when a character speaks, it is proper to place a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue. This is not needed for exclamation points or question marks, however. Finally, you need to capitalize "Squirt" as it is a proper name, and a period needed to be added in at the end of that sentence.
...
...
"Flamethrower! Thunderbolt!" shouted two unknown voices. Amazed, Squirt turned to see his rescuers.
I believe I forgot to mention this before, so I shall do so now; numbers need to be typed out fully, such as "two" instead of hitting "2" on the keyboard; the exceptions I'm aware of to this rule are dates or code numbers (such as the robot R2D2; its name can have the numbers as seen here).
"Are you okay?" asked a charmander.
"We saw that you've been running for quite a while now. How long have you been running?" asked a pikachu.
Simply capitalize the first letter of a sentence.
"well, I don't know," Squirt replied.
"I'm Chris," the charmander said.
"And I'm Pika," the pikachu added.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Squirt," squirt replied.
"Thank you for rescuing me," squirt added.
"No problem. We always aid those that are special like us," pika said.
"Special? I'm not special," Squirt replied.
I reiterrate; captialize the beginning letter of a sentence and the letter "I" when used by a person to speak of themselves; this includes "I'm". Also, some ideas that were connected with a comma needed to be seperated into seperation sentences. Now, about the flow of the story... first off " 'Nice to meet you. I'm Squirt,' Squirt replied." and " 'Thank you for rescuing me,' Squire added." would do much better as a combined thought, such as, "Nice to meet you. I'm Squirt," Squire replied. "Thank you for rescuing me."
One more thing; try to put spaces (hitting "Enter" twice) between individual lines of dialogue between characters; it makes things easier to read, seeing as we lack the ability to indent here on the forum.
"Yes you are Squirt. I can see your power. You can step into the future and into the null void, where time doesn't flow. The only problem is you cannot change the past," Chris said (the Chris that's writing the story, not the charmander)
You've made the same grammarical errors, so I won't restate again. However, you do have one major story flaw here. First off, the mysterious statement by Chris-the-Narrator really throws readers for a loop and usually tends to turn them away from your fic. The primary reasons why this insert isn't working in this fic is because...
1) You have a character in the story named after you/the narrator, and that is plain confusing before one can even read the parenthesis explanation; even then, that seems to almost border on Chris the Charmander being a blatent self-insert. A self-insert, in case you do not know, is a character an author has made so that they may purposely be in the story themselves and live out the fictional life as they may want to. Not all self-inserts are bad if an author pulls the right strings, but here this totally isn't working.
2) If you're trying to be suspenseful here, this statement by the narrator isn't working. Because of reason number one, I was totally turned off by this mysterious sentence. You'll want to totally rework the above dialouge by the narrator.
"My power is to fly. I can also walk on water, and Chris over there has the ability to change evolutions at will," pika told Squirt.
Once more, why are these almost-basic level Pokemon so special? I can see that Pika's powers might've been based off of Yellow-version's Surfing/Flying Pikachu, and Chris' might've been based off of Red's Eevee in the Pokemon Special Manga. Hopefully you'll explain how they got these powers later in the story. Just... be careful. I had to do a double take to realize where possible inspirations might have come from. Just be careful; giving characters off-the-wall powers could come back to bite you in the rear later on, especially when it turns away readers because you fail to have a good reason for the powers to exist.
"We are also what is known as a 'rescue team' who helps other pokemon in danger, but our team only recruits pokemon with powers like ours," Chris mysteriously said.
"So... What does that mean, and what does it have to do with me?" Squirt obliviously asked.
"He wants you to join our team," Pika translated for Squirt.
"Ooooh, why didn't you say so before? I'm in!" Squirt exclaimed.
So from that day forth, Squirt joined the rescue team 'Deathslayers'; and they had a number of adventures, and the important ones will be explained in detail in the later chapters.
Just some more grammarical errors to be fixed and some narrational bits you may want to alter. First off, I understand that this is your fic, Chris, but... does "deathslayers" (which I took the liberty of capitalizing since it is a proper name) really seem fitting for a rescue team composed of basic-stage Pokemon? That sounds like something a group of hearty full-evo'd Dragon Types would have or something. Ahem, second,
the important ones will be explained in detail in the later chapters
is a tad unneeded. It is presumed that you, as the narrator, shall explain their adventures in the following chapters. Perhaps this can be reworked a bit?
Aside from all the tips and corrections I've made, this isn't a horrid fic; if I am correct in my assumption that you've just begun your dive into fanfictional work, that all you need is to work more. After all, writing takes practice. Just try to keep my tips and such in mind, and you should do alright. Just keep working at it, Chris; you'll get better.
