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Pokemon Destiny (REVISED) O_O_O_O

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dumbpikAchu

suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
222
Posts
15
Years
    • Ok, me and my super-low Rep (MINUS 30, THANK YOU) want some respect here. that's why I'm moving my funny stories to Youtube Script. (If they have one, LOLOL)
    For now, I'm going to revise my story, and make it less future-time. it doesn't suit it e_e
    Chapter 1: The Walk Home
    Once there was a little girl named Alexandra. she was at her friend, Susie's house.
    They both were Pokemon Fans, And they both had all the Pokemon games.
    This certain time they were playing Pokemon Stadium 2.
    As the clock struck 6:30, The girl said her farewells and went home.
    On the walk, She thought that maybe smartraIchu, from PokeGroup, who was only one year older than her, was right about real Pokemon.
    As she opened the door, her mom called her to do dishes. "Ok, mom, but I was only wondering, if smartraIchu was right about real Pokemon."
    "Sure, I'll do the dishes for you, just go upstairs, and look what NASA has to show!" Her mom said.
    As Alex went upstairs, she wondered what her mom meant. She turned on the TV and
    looked at an overhead view of universes colliding.
    After she twitched three times, she asked herself, "Hubble can actually do that?"
     
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    Neutrino

    The Jelly-Stuff of legend...
    333
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Well, it is really. And the first chapter was barely a chapter at all, it needs to be SO much longer. Also, try spacing it out, and people'll be able to read it ;)
     

    Neutrino

    The Jelly-Stuff of legend...
    333
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Yeah, 'cos for somer eason or another, the PC reply box seems to delete the spaces, even when I do doubles, I still ahve ot add them in ebfore I post them
     

    Giratina ♀

    what's your sign?
    1,439
    Posts
    16
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    • Seen Jul 23, 2013
    I couldn't follow this chapter (which is too short to be a chapter right now; I'd make it longer), because it just seemed to be jumping all over the place. First a couple of girls playing Stadium 2, then something called a PokeGroup and a person called 'smartraIchu' babbling about real-life Pokemon, then space. Outer space.

    These things had barely any connection to the other things, and without any explanation of who the heck smartraIchu is or what the Hubble has to do with anything, it seems like you're cutting out pieces from different stories and pasting them on a thread-creation box.

    There's also a lot of 'telling' in this story. For example, your opening sentences: 'Once there was a little girl named Alexandra. she was at her friend, Susie's house. They both were Pokemon Fans, And they both had all the Pokemon games. This certain time they were playing Pokemon Stadium 2.' This boring rambling of facts could have been revealed little by little while Alexandra looked around Susie's room and marveling at the amount of Pokemon stuff, that she was an avid fan too and was kind of jealous of Susie. Not to mention we don't know what they look like!

    See where I'm going with this? If you ever find yourself explaining something to the reader in the actual story as if you were trying to get all of the facts down as quickly as you can, then you know that some imagination must be applied to get the point across without breaking the flow of the story.
     

    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • You're right Girasaur. :(
    I'll make a revised revised edition after this one! :D
    Sorry 'bout the wait..
    Chapter 2: The Sky is Falling
    As she flicked off the TV, she saw that there was a huge thunderhead. No, not a thunderhead. Too big for that. Infact, it went outside of the stratosphere, whatever up there has to be called. Wishing she had a better education, she remembered that The Weather Channel said that there would be a storm today on Monday. She ran outside, for it wasn't raining water, nor thundering alone, but she saw a Bulbasaur with a happy face fly past the window before she ran out.She hoped to catch a Pikachu, but she caught something even better: a Pichu. "I'm gonna call you, umm, uh..." she trailed off and thought.

    Pi-chu Pi-pi-chu? Pichu asked.

    "Good idea. Your name is Raichu!"

    Pichu!

    Before Rotom could blaze her to pieces on accident, she ran inside. "Mom, I found a Pichu!"


    "No kidding, I was lucky and got myself a Kadabra! It's only a baby, though," Her mom said.

    Pichu Pi-chu?

    "Sure, you can play with my Kadabra. Just don't play tag, his forcefields hurt."

    Pichu! Raichu was so excited that he sprang into the air and almost did a Thunder.

    "Hey, let's find a worthy opponent."

    Pichu PI-chu!

    "Oh, I forgot. I'll be waiting."

    ~CHAPTER 3: KADABRA, FRIENDS, PIKACHU, LAPRAS, AND 16 YEAR OLD BOYS~

    Pi-chu Pi-chu! Raichu exlaimed, as he pranced around the room, happy to find a new friend. The Kadabra tried to teach him psychic powers, but Raichu just couldn't do it. They went into the backyard and started swinging on the hammock. Raichu was so excited that he called Alexandra to come. As she came, she saw his tail slowly get longer.

    "That's why you called me!"

    Pi-chu Pi-chu! as he gained weight and earned his brown stripes, he exlaimed, PIIIIII.....

    "Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh!"

    Kachu!

    "Ok, now let's say goodbye to your friend, and lets find somebody else."

    Ka-Po-Pi-Kaaa-Chu! with a note in his tone. Eventually, they stumbled upon a badly injured Lapras.

    "Whoa, who's Lapras is this?"

    "Mine," A 16 year old boy said.

    "He's badly injured!"

    "No he's not. He's always had that scar."

    "Hey, let's be buddies!"

    "Ok," she shruged. Then a level -maybe around 66- she couldn't tell- Charizard popped out of what seemed to be nowhere."EEEEK!" Pikapiii! Raichu wailed. And the Lapras and the boy just stood there. Then it used Flamethrower. The firey waves missed everyone, but almost hit Alexandra. Then the Lapras and Raichu sprang into action. Raichu popped a surfboard out of, again, what seemed to be nowhere.Then the Lapras worked together to do a huge Surf wave. Raichu did a little surf wave, and when the Charizard fainted, Raichu got off. Suddenly the boy's Lapras gained 10 levels! and Raichu gained, maybe, now that she noticed, 18 levels!

    "Wow, I- I- Wow!"

    "Wow is right," said the boy.

    "You keep the Charizard."

    "Are you kidding me? I've got all the Pokemon in the world All Level 100!"

    "You're kidding me now!"

    "Actually, I was a Saffron City citizen when universes chrashed."

    "Ok then, thanks!"
     
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    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Sorry for the HUGE wait...
    Chapter 4: Pikachu + Thunderstone= Pikachu (Hey, did he press the B button on himself?)
    "Who are you?" Alexandra said.
    "Alexander Bean."
    "My last name is Bean! Do you think we're related?" Alexandra asked.
    "Not really," Alex said doubtfully.
    Pikapi-pipipika!
    "I guess you're right, we should go to the department store."
    As they went to the store, Raichu was jumping around, Attacking the Lapras with Volt Tackles occasionally.
    As they got onto the "Stone Floor", as it was loccaly called, Raichu rolled up in a little ball. When he heard the words, "I'd like to buy a Thunderstone" He tried to Volt Tackle Alexander, but accidentally hitting newly level 100 Lapras for the tenth time.
    PiiiiKaaaaaaaa!
    "C'mon, Raichu, see the stone? isn't it sparkly?"
    Pi!
    "Better add some salt...-"
    PIKACHUKAPI! Raichu Thunderbolted the container of salt that was in Alexander's traveling backpack.
    "Oh man, that cost me 5 bucks!"
    Raichu Pipi! he said as he made his paw go around his head.
    All Lapras could say about the ten second catastrophe was, Laaaapraaas...
    A Chansey that was watching used Softboiled on Lapras, making him feel better.
    When they got home, Kadabra had gotten a lot stronger, and Pikachu told him everything that happened, even introducing him to Alex. Alex's mom confirmed that they were siblings. She also said they got something in the mail.
     

    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Chapter 5: The Note
    Pi-pikachu! Raichu wanted to see the note.
    "Ok, Raichu, here's the note," Alex's mom said.
    The letter was written in very small letters, but Raichu could manage it. He told them to go to Victory Road.
    "Could you come with us?"
    Pika! he said, as he jumped onto Alexis' shoulder.
    "Thankfully, nowadays, you can put Pokemon in your laptop, so It won't be a problem."
    "Hey, You said you lived in Saffron City.. is that true?"
    "In an orphanage."
    "Wow."
    "Alakazam, use Teleport!"
    The three teleported to the Indigo Plateau.
    "Wow, these runes are ancient," Alexis said.
    "They sure are. There it is, Victory Road!" Alex shouted.
    As they went in, They used many repels, and Raichu kept on asking them who they were going to meet, making Dugtrio want to use Earthquake.
    "We're in the middle of the cave, just a few more steps and-"
    "Why did you stop?"
    "Do you see what I see?"
    "Oh, that goat with yellow things coming out of his back?"
    "Yes, but that's Arceus." At that, Alexis fainted.
    Raichu was slapping himself onto the floor, and Dugtrio was bopping it's three heads to the soil and below.
    "Hello, Alex, it is good to see you. However, we do not have a Chosen One. I was in a conference with Cressellia and the Majestic Mew, and he argued that you should be the Chosen One. Cresselia went on to say that the Chosen One is never a girl. Mew knew that you would make a great Chosen One, and he agreed with Cressellia, so he decided to do two firsts, in other words, you and your sister are the Chosen Ones."
    "Thank you, Arceus," he said, as he bowed.
    "Thank you. the world is in danger, just not right now. I was going to tell you that I have granted you and you're sister your 500 extra years of life."
    "I guess I should be on my way, then,"
    "You should, Alex." Arceus faded away, and Raichu finnally got up with a Geodude on his face.
    "Alakazam, use Teleport," he said.
    As they got home, Alex told his mom everything that happened.
    Chapter 6 coming soon!
     
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    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Chapter 6: The War
    As Alexis and Alex went to sleep, Raichu couldn't decide who he wanted to cuddle with. he finnaly jumped unto Alex's lap and fell asleep.
    He had a dream that he and Arceus were fighting against Darkrai.
    Pi-pikachu! Pikapikachu!
    "Oh, Raichu, it's eight in the morning," Alex said.
    Pi-KA-Pi-KA-CHU-KA!
    "Ok, we'll get ready. Get ready sis.."
    as they followed Raichu into the back yard, they saw Arceus again. Alexis almost fainted again, and she had to pick Raichu up so he wouldn't get something on his face again.
    "Arceus, what do you have to tell us?" Alexis asked.
    "I have to tell you something I forgot at Victory Road.
    You don't know why we needed a chosen one right after Ash got killed by Cressel.
    We are up against a clone of Giratina, the humans have called 'Giratoo', as a manmade creation, but he rebeled against his Creators. We are also up against Darkrai, Cressel's creation, The Devlish Eevee, first Eevee I had made, was good friends with Cressel, and Cressel himself, a powerful version of Cresselia that rebelled against Mew. They have also recently killed Giratina, so comforting the dead is now Cresselia's job. I have created Mewthree, a training dummy for beggining Chosen Ones."
    Arceus showed them Mewthree, which was not made of cloth at all. He looked like Mewtwo, but his right side was made of steel. Pikachu used Thunder to defeat Mewthree.
    "Very good, I have told Articuno that he is going to have visitors tommorow. You can do whatever you want today, but tommorow, you must go to Articuno." Arceus faded away.
    Alex, Alexis, and Pikachu were about to play Monopoly when Mr.Mime cloned the Monopoly board so many times that all the Pokemon could play. They also had to organize rules such as, 'No frying the Community cards'. When everybody was done playing, Mr. Mime cloned the bed, so all the small Pokemon could sleep. the other Pokemon had to sleep on the ground, but Pikachu and a few others went to sleep close to them.
    When the gang got up, they had breakfast (The Pokemon went inside their Pokeballs for food) and went to the Seafoam Islands.
     
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    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Chapter 7: Articuno.. Or not.
    "Brrr, I'm cold.." Alexis said as they entered.
    At least you're not double weak to ice, Jumpluff said.
    Shut up, I feel it too, and I'm resistant to it, Lapras said, which they were surfing on.
    "This is where he should be.." Said Alex as he got close to the famous island which Articuno is normally on.
    Soon they saw a sillouette fly through an unnoticed crack in the roof.
    "Bad news, guys," Articuno said in a high voice.
    "Cressel has resummoned Three Headed Dragon, and Arceus needs my help to defeat him. We might need yours."
    "Ok, how will we get there?"
    "Pfft, get on my back!"
    As they were in the air, Articuno asked, "Am I the only one who thinks that Arceus sounds like Darth Vader?"
    "He sure does," Alexis said.
    "Look-looklooklook over there!" Articuno said quickly, tilting his head to the side.
    "Is that Kyogre on land?"
    "If it's not a Ditto, yes!"
    When they reached the spot, Three Headed Dragon had already destroyed the whole city.
    "Articuno, you're late," Arceus said.
    "What's wrong with getting groceries before fighting an evil supervillian?"
    "Being late."
    "Start slicing!" Alex said as his lightsaber unsheaved.
    "Oh wait, we're in Pokemon... sorry.."
    "Zapdos, fly around Three Headed Dragon's middle neck!"
    "Is his name Three Headed Dragon?"
    "That's what Cressel calls him."
    "Got it!" Zapdos said in a deep voice.
    Zapdos flew around his neck at amazing speeds, causing Three Headed Dragon to bite his head off.
    I call that head, Charizard said.
    "Not right now, you crazy scatter brain!" Alex scolded.
    I like scatterbrain.
    "Victreebell, I choose you!"
    Victrebell came out of it's Pokeball.
    "Think you can use your vines to spin around one of his necks, making him bite that neck off?"
    I'm a grass type, I was born to do that, Victreebell said as he was already spinning around his third neck.
    Peekaboo, Try to catch me! You missed, and bit you're neck off! Victreebell said as he hopped onto the next one.
    "For this one, we need weight. Cresselia, teleport Groudon onto his neck!" Arceus said.
    Yikes! Victreebell said as he hopped off.
    Groudon broke his neck with his weight, thus killing him.
    Chapter 8: Name Peek: The Face Of Mew
    Did you like it? I liked the humor. :D
     
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    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Chapter 8: The Face Of Mew
    "Alex, Alexis, I want you to see our Gathering Hall," Arceus said.
    Cresselia teleported them to the Gathering Hall, which was made out of a clear substance. There was a levetation at the end with a throne.
    "Mew sits on that throne, and here he comes," Latios said.
    As Mew sat on the throne he said," Hello everyone. I would like Alex and Alexis to step up."
    Pikachu and Alex were still surprised that he was pink.
    "Now as we all know-" Mew began. Before he could finish, a dragon that looked like Three Headed Dragon, but with only one head, broke the substance. Alexis leaped in front of Mew's throne and said, "Go away! Save yourself while you can!"
    TBC....
     
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    dumbpikAchu

    suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
    222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Voices: (Will Update)
    Mew: Obama/Yoda (To come (Lol)
    Latios: Me (Sadly you don't know what I sound like, but I have a pretty 'cool' kind of voice.)
    Arceus: Darth Vader (MEGALOL)
    Articuno:Sonic
    Zapdos:Knuckles
    Moltres: Average 'Cool' Teenager (Yo!)/Tails (Sounds stupid, but he's a bird. The others are part of the trio. (I did that because I thought they would be cool voices. (To Come Both)
    Cressel: Altair (Bomberman 64 (To Come)
    Alex: Ash (Duh)
    Alexis: (May (Or Dawn, whichever one was in GATSW (Or was it Misty)
    Mom: Ash's Mom (Duh DUH)
    Non-God Pokemon can be personalized, like a pet.
    Or Wall-E.
    Or a pet.
    I will still be working on TFOM. so don't get worried.
     
    Astinus

    Astinus

    10,177
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    18
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    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Your fanfic, unfortunately, gets progressively worse with each chapter. You were all right in the beginning, but your recent chapters...

    Your fic is really difficult to read and understand. Each chapter is mainly dialogue, and it's difficult to follow exactly what's happening in each chapter because it's all random with no explanation.

    Plus, there's the fact that you stopped properly spacing your paragraphs, making everything really difficult to read even more.

    If you actually want an open thread in PFF&P, you should try to improve in some way. Read over the stickied writing guides, get a beta reader, take your time writing each chapter, reread the rules.

    Voices? In a fanfic?
     
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